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Tuesday, 5 August 2014

You Can Only Be Yourself

Very recently I've been feeling a little down about myself. I wouldn't say I'm depressed at all, yet I just feel so isolated and confused. It's the second week of the summer holidays right now, and I haven't had the chance to see my small group of friends, so I suppose that this has contributed... This post verges a bit on the personal side, so I hope nobody minds too much.

First of all, I absolutely love Lolita fashion. If I could wear it every day, I most certainly would. If I had an infinite amount of money, I'd constantly be in Paris, shopping in Baby, the Stars Shine Bright. In fact, I'm having one of my BtSSB dresses altered right now, so I'll wear it very soon, perhaps when I go to Boston on holiday.
I have such a longing to wear it, and it's constantly nagging at the back of my mind. However, I'm feeling rather sensitive recently, and I'm not sure I could take the pressure of stares and comments right now...
Also, I'd absolutely love to have some Lolita friends; yet, the problem below is stopping me.

Secondly, I have Aspergers. I was diagnosed sometime last year. It was a reassurance, a reason why I act the way I do, and why I don't seem to fit in at all. And yet, I still have a lot of trouble. My movements are very bad and jerky (and people say it's because of ASD), so much that I get teased and taunted at school and feel very self-conscious walking in public - it also makes me think that I could have dyspraxia, but as nobody has mentioned it, I'll let it lie.
I'm very shy and quiet, and I can't speak to strangers. I'm very scared that things will change, and the thought of meeting new people (even fellow Lolitas, Aspergirls and LGBT people) terrifies me. I want to meet people that understand (the people at school, even friends and family do not understand and accept me) and feel the same way, but I can't get past this phobia of new things and people to actually do it.
Having Aspergers is also a bit alienating. There is this girl at school who I think also has Aspergers, but I'm so scared of speaking to her, or making her as uncomfortable and anxious as I am. Nobody else I know has ASD in any way.

And finally, I'm gay. I've known this for a long, long time, even as a young girl, and yet I'm only just being open about it (at least with two people). I've told my friend (who is bisexual, so obviously she'd understand) and my mum, who is accepting but makes me feel a little bit stupid and strange. A lot of people at my school are very homophobic and make me feel awful about myself, even though I've never told them that I'm a lesbian or anything. They don't pick on me in particular - I've never even spoken to them, so why should they have a reason to? - and yet they make me feel so alien and freaky.
I feel like I'll never be loved by anyone, but not only because I'm gay, but because I have Aspergers. My mum said that with those two things put together, it will make my life twice as hard as if I were straight and had Aspergers.
There is somebody that I adore, and I think that I've mentioned her before on this blog. Well, I don't know if she likes me back in the same way, but her parents are the main problem. Like Romeo and Juliet, we aren't allowed to see each other, and this is one of the things that brings me a kind of dark humor, when my friend found the comparison. It's deeply sad for me, and yet it makes me laugh...
 Her parents don't even speak English, so I can't explain to them that I'm not some kind of evil serial killer that they think I am. In Chinese culture it's not acceptable to be gay. She told me personally that she doesn't mind people that are gay, but my mum says that even if she liked me, she would be disowned by her parents; this is what scares me. I don't want her to be disowned, and I don't want to ruin our friendship.
Basically, her parents won't even let her out of the house except for school. Seriously. Right now, I think she'll be going insane. I want to see her so much, and at the same time, I'm scared to. She can't go on the internet to message me recently, so I'm becoming obsessed with checking my messages to see if she has replied yet...
Because my mum has the opinion that she must think I'm a creepy stalker that's utterly obsessed with the girl, coming on to her constantly and showering her with affection (seriously, why did I tell her that I love my friend? my mum always jumps to conclusions), I'm actually a little bit scared about seeing her. I'm worried that I'll embarrass myself, or my mum will. Or if I'm alone with her, my mum will get suspicious and worried about what we're doing.

So basically, I feel lonely, freakishly weird, and like I'm a creepy person to be around. It feels nice to get these feelings out without exploding, and yet I feel like I'm living a lie the whole time. These three things are my biggest secrets, and even the people closest to me know nothing about it. Yet, here I can be myself, even if I can't in real life.
Someday I hope to tell and live the truth. Which is why I'm writing Margaret's school; it is basically an autobiography, although a little over-exaggerated in places. Margaret is so much like me, and kind of like an escape. There are some things that she does that I've done before, and at the same time there are things that she does that I would never do, even in my wildest dreams.

If you're reading this, I hope that you can be yourself. I'm always saying to people that they should just be themselves, and this makes me such a hypocrite.

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